In responding to the questions, when it is appropriate, think of your most significant peer love relationships. If you cannot decide which has been the most significant, think of your most recent significant love relationship. If you wish, you may think of your ideal love relationship whether you have actually experienced it or not.
This test consist of 50 questions in 6 categories, each category has one section. After you finish each page you will be presented with your results, take those results and include them inside each drop down box below. When you are finish selecting your total in all six categories use the second row of drop down menus to display your two highest scores.
Your sample profile shows graphically how your scores on each of the scales blends into your own distinctive definition of love. There is no good or bad combination of scores for a person. Neither is one definition of love more or less mature than another.
The following Love Styles are operationally defined as your agreement to your primary base of methodology.
Storge – Best Friends
Storgic love is a kind of intimacy that develops out of a close friendship and identity of interests over substantial periods of time. Love is something that grows through a companionship, rapport, mutual sharing and dependency, gradual self revelation. There is seldom if ever any assumption at the outset that the relationship will flower into love or marriage. Friendly lovers find it hard to conceive of becoming emotionally involved with someone they do not know well or genuinely consider to be a loyal partner. They want a person who will share the joys and pains of daily life and can be counted upon for counsel and support. They do not fantasize other “ideal” lovers to come to rescue them from their misery. Even if this thought should occur, they would want to discuss it with their partner. This disagreement or even conflict, it is usually discussed rationally and resolved amicably. An argument is no cause to believe that love is no longer present, nor any reason for the relationship to be damaged or ended. Best friends lovers rarely feel jealous and frequently they will exchange calls or letters during absences, which pose no problem for them. They can tolerate brief separations well. Even if their relationship should break up, they would want to remain best friends because they had cared for each other but had just ceased being lovers. A best friend lover must have stable and reasonable emotional responses.
Agape – Unselfish Love
Unselfish love is unconditionally caring and nurturing, giving and forgiving and at its highest level, self-sacrificing. This type of lover believes that true love is better expressed in giving than in receiving; in caring more about the loved one’s welfare and happiness than about one’s own; in postponing or giving up one’s own hopes and goals to help a partner reach his or hers. Even if your partner causes you great emotional pain, this type of lover still understands and is compassionate. Usually, this type of lover will take the stand that the other person acted out of ignorance or in innocent error or is the victim of circumstance. The unselfish lover is completely and uncomplainingly supportive. These types seem to have a reservoir of love which is always available, and which they are always ready to offer when the opportunity arises. They are governed less by their own emotional needs than by the needs of others. This pure type occurs less often than the others in real life, but in most marriages, some of this style of love is present. Failure to live up to the high standards set by the unselfish lover on her/himself beings guilt and disappointment.
Mania – Possessive Love
Possessive love alternates between peaks of excitement and depths of despair; they are capable of shifting in an instant from intense devotion to intense jealousy. Possessives are consumed by the need to posses the beloved totally and at the same time frightened by the fear of loss or rejection. This seemingly unfulfilling type of love is one of the most common described feelings of being in love. The possessive lover constantly needs to feel reassured that he or she is still loved; this seems to stem from a feeling of emotional insecurity on the part of the possessive lover. If a promise is broken or if a partner is late, this is seen as a betrayal of the promised love. These lovers are very dependent and may at times feel helplessly at the mercy of their loved one, but at the same time, they are very demanding, to the point where they have no qualms about placing great emotional burdens on their partner. They are very sensitive and are always on the look out for signs that they are not loved anymore by their partner. They become extremely jealous if their partner shows interest in anyone or anything else. They demand exclusiveness in the relationship. This type of lover knows that her/his possessiveness and jealousy are self-defeating, but many perfectly adequate and emotionally healthy people have this style of love to a lesser degree. These people prefer intense togetherness but not to the extreme as true possessives do. They see jealousy as a natural part of being in love and they are often passionate in all that they do.
Pragma – Logical Love
Logical love has been called “love with a shopping list”. The logical lover concentrates on the practical values in a relationship. They are quite realistic. They usually know exactly what kind of partner they want or need and are willing to wait patiently for a man or women who meets (but not necessarily all) of their requirements. The logical lover estimates his or her own “market value” and seeks to make the best possible “deal” in a partner. Logical lovers believe that love should be an outgrowth of a couple’s compatibility and interests. If a relationships ends, a logical lover will move rationally to find a replacement for it. Indeed, many logical lovers place emotion secondary to the logical search for a lover. Once logical lovers feel they have made the sensible choice, warmer emotions are allowed fuller expression. The logical lover remains faithful so long as the relationship continues to be perceived as a fair exchange. A logical love style demands patience. Patience to work out problems and patience to wait to end the relationship at a reasonable time, if love should die.
Ludus – Game Playing Love
Ludic or gameplaying love is seen as a challenge to be enjoyed, a game to win. The more experienced one grows at it, the more skilled one’s moves can be and these lovers develop a wide range of tactics and sills to keep the game interesting. The goal is to play amicably at love without getting too involved and at the same time, to encourage intimacy, but to hold it at arm’s length. Commitment is not part of this lovers definition of love. Emotional relationships are to be kept tentative and the partner (or partners) are kept in the dark as to this lover’s intentions. It is not unusual for this type of lover to have two, three or more love partners at the same time. Playful lovers avoid making long-rang plans with their partners. Playful lover are careful not to lead their lovers into believing that there is stability in the relationship. Men and women who play at love have both charming and infuriating qualities. They are usually self-sufficient, make few demands on their loved one and prefer not to have demands made on them. They are amusing, quick witted, self confident. On the other hand, by treating emotional relationships as games and not letting the other partner know it, they reveal their essential self-centeredness and their willingness to exploit their partner’s feelings. Still, playful lovers feel that they play fair. Most people who score high on this type also score high on other types as well. At some deeper level, they realize the need for other alternative types should this type becoming damaging.
Eros – Romantic Love
Romantic lover are often in love with love itself. Love at first sight is not only possible but it is almost a necessity; once such a meeting occurs, the romantic lover cannot bear to be separated from the object of his or her love. The romantic lover expects the relationship to provide a constant series of emotional peaks. Romantics place a great deal of importance on their lover’s physical features. Once they have found each other, two romantics are likely to be in each other’s arms quickly. There is great urgency to merge physically as well as emotionally. Obviously, this great attraction intensity cannot be maintained at this high level indefinitely, but those who define love in romantic terms say that the original excitement continues to be there. Romantics need to believe that feelings are objectively true, even if they aren’t. Romantics want to know everything about their loved one = all of his or her experiences, joys, sorrows and past loves. They similarly will open up to their partner with their innermost thoughts, hopes and dreams. Romantics often use this information to discover new ways to please their loved ones. One must have a good deal of self-assurance to be a true romantic. One must be willing to reveal oneself completely, to commit oneself totally, to risk emotional lows as well as highs and finally to survive without despair if one’s love is rejected.
The interaction of the two highest scores.
In addition to the highest score, there is a revealing interaction between your highest and next highest score. Find your second highest score. Find the description below that corresponds to the combination of your highest and next highest score.
High Storge – High Agape
“Ideal”; a giver, patient, sensitive, be there for partner; understanding; accepts other person’s definition of love; may get taken advantage of.
High Storge – High Manic
Uncommon type; dependent friendship; demand exclusivity; jealous; no separations; enjoy being best friends and all things to partner.
High Storge – High Pragma
Practically softened a little; compatibility; cautious about love; map out details; organizes togetherness.
High Storge – High Ludus
Paradoxical; need companionship/friendship with partner; relationship should be a challenge; want to know you have a choice in relationship; want to choose to love rather than need to be “in love”; emotionally secure childhood; high self confidence; wants same in partner.
High Storge – High Eros
Can be contradictory; slow liking vs. swift physical involvement; guard against moving too quickly; chances are you like the person you love and love the person you like; if best friends dominates, good friendship; if romantic dominates, a lot of passion.
High Eros – High Agape
“martyr” type relationship; rescuers; high passion in relationship; idealized feelings for lover; will do anything for him/her; puts loved one before self.
High Eros – High Manic
Can be painful type of love; can be addictive; based on need; depends on high and lows to survive in relationship; total togetherness; “idealized love”.
High Eros – High Pragma
Struggle with someone who is wrong for you; more likely to fight against each other in that first one side (pragma) will dominate and then other (romantic); conflict between high physical attraction and knowledge that relationship won’t work; conflict/confusion within.
High Eros – High Ludus
Intense feelings; passionate person; fear of too much closeness; changeable; self contained; independent person not able to be too vulnerable; may be afraid of “losing self”.
High Ludus – High Agape
Small percentage have this type; strong tendency to idealize concept of love; taught that love is suppose to be all giving; don’t want to be “swallowed up” by someone either; unselfish only in what you do not care about; may be afraid of real commitment; keeps part of self unknown; vacillates back and forth.
High Ludus – High Manic
Ambivalence; desire for easy going friendship based on challenge and fear of loss; trapped between game player’s wish to end relationship and possessive’s need to hang on to it; conflict/confusion within.
High Ludus – High Pragma
Less deliberate and controlled than true logical type; more willing to make concessions than true game player; avoid intense emotions; only a number of people you could love and would want; picky; love is not most important thing.
High Pragma – High Agape
Balancing act; being a giver to a carefully selected partner; realistic; can’t accept total unselfishness; must get something back from what you give.
High Pragma – High Manic
Conflicts inherent; love affairs may begin logically but create dependence which this type doesn’t like; if logical side is trapped by possessive side, you may become super logical to get out of the relationship; usually logical more in control.
High Agape – High Manic
Mutually contradictory; rare type; very big conflict within to require everything from a partner and give everything too; hard work; need a partner like you; very fragile relationships; need to posses; can also involve need to nurture; “bird in a guided cage”.
Criteria used by Loving Styles when falling out of love.
When falling out of love people tend to focus on their own feelings and on the behaviors of their loved ones. When you experience certain feelings it results in the conclusion that you are falling out of love with your loved one. When your loved one engages in certain behaviors it results in the conclusion that he/she is falling out of love with you. Notice, when examining ourselves we look at feelings, when examining our loved one we look at behaviors. The specific feelings and behaviors that lead to these conclusions depend upon your style of loving. Below is a presentation of the feeling and behaviors associated with each of the styles of loving.
I am not in love because I can not be myself around my loved one. I don’t care whether or not their needs are being met. They won’t express their feelings honestly.
My partner is not in love with me because they are not dependable. They let me down when I need them
I am not in love because I feel guilty about hurting them.
My partner is not in love with me anymore because they have outgrown me.
I am not in love with them because I feel cut off.
My partner is not in love with me because I feel they have deserted me. They do not confide in me, nor miss me when I’m away.
I am not in love with my partner because I outgrew them, they embarrassed me, things aren’t getting any better, they expect too much from me.
My partner doesn’t care what kind of impression they make and will never get ahead.
I am not in love with my partner because I am bored with them. I am not ready for a commitment.
My partner doesn’t have fun when we’re together. They tend to fence me in because they are too dependent. They often take me for granted.
I am not in love because I feel disappointed and disillusioned. I am not physically attracted to them. I am interested in someone else.
My partner does not love me because they forget birthdays and anniversaries. They have no sense of romance, nor initiates intimacy.
LOVE STYLES IN RELATION TO AFFAIRS
Each style of loving is different in the tendency to have an affair. In addition, the reasons for having an affair differ. The list below explains the various “styles” of affairs associated with the various loving styles.
Storge – Best Friend
Because of mutual trust and loyalty to each other, an affair is unlikely. Most often an affair would develop as a result of an outgrowth of a new friendship – not usually intentional. If the friendship with primary partner is diminishing, the new friendship may replace it and could lead to an affair.
Agape – Unselfish
The desire to nurture and help may be this type’s weakness. If a person appears to be very needy, agapes may be drawn to an affair because the other person needs them. The agapic person would never let their primary partner know about the affair because it would hurt them too much.
Mania – Possessive
The manic is so engrossed in the present relationship that the thought of another is unthinkable. Affairs may happen as reactions rather than actions. For revenge or to make their partner jealous. If a manic person’s needs are not being met, he/she may punish their partner by having an affair. Sometimes affairs arise from a manic person’s striving to be independent.
Ludus – Gameplaying
Affairs can be a temptation to this type. The like risk and excitement which can be found in an affair. It can be a challenge to them. The affair would end if the person became too serious. Affairs happen because ludic’s need for novelty and excitement. They tend to get bored easily and need new stimulation often.
Pragma – Practical
This type considers it foolish to risk rewarding relationship for the more intense but impractical pleasure of an affair. If the primary relationship is unfulfilling, then a pragmatic would consider it practical to seek fulfillment elsewhere. The rationale would be that it has nothing to do with the primary relationship. It would be well thought out and justified.
Eros – Romantic (Idealistic)
The romantic lover is subject to erotic interludes. They are very susceptible to physical attractiveness and romance. They may have unrealistic expectations of “what’s out there” and may feel they are missing something. He/she may want to experience new feelings of love. Flirtations may be common and may lead to more intense relationships. If unhappy with the primary partner, romantics may hope to spark the primary relationship with the affair.
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